Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
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Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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