If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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