He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
