I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it's like heaven, but drunker
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.