Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
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You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter