it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
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while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
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I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...