I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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