I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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