I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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