if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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