he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
