i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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