this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
