May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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