You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize