Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
