You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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