we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Two words: nipple clamps
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