There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
