just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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