I didn't shave. On purpose
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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