I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
