cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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