We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
