i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
