and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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