Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
