i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
