I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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