:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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