HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
