WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
