i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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