Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
