Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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