Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
