Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
