I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
