There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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