The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
