I met the friendliest cop last night
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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