Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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