Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
