I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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