When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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