Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
