If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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