and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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