I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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