sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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