Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
