woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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