There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
