Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
