Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
