community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
