I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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