So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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