So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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