I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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