Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
